Buying a crib is not about need or necessity. It's not about whether the baby needs it yet or not. It's not about being ready for the baby to come home. It's about me being ready. It's about taking a risky, emotional leap of faith because that is what God is asking of me.
Think about this way - when do most pregnant women prepare a nursery? It's usually ready just weeks before the baby is born. I'm taking that step now - months or years before I have a baby.
I could wait. I could wait until I'm matched or until things are certain. But I've learned that certainty doesn't exist in adoption. I've yet to find certainty anywhere in this process. But there is one thing I'm certain of - God has called me to this.
So yes, I could wait. But why wait when I can run toward this promise? I am running toward this beautiful gift that God has promised me. And I will keep running and leaping until my baby is in my arms.
The week that I joined the matching network was a very hard week for me in more ways that I can explain. I was filled with fear and doubt. I was questioning things I hadn't questioned in months. But God gave me an incredible gift that week.
That was the week that I was finally ready to buy the crib. It might not seem like a big deal, but for me it was this incredible milestone of faith. In the midst of feeling more than overwhelmed, I felt God's peace and certainty. I was finally ready.
So Charlotte, Cameron, Hannah and I took a trip to Ikea. The kids each picked out something special for the baby. Cam picked out those little cars because he had the same ones when he was a baby. Hannah picked out something soft for the baby to sleep with. She said "If I'm not there to cuddle the baby, the panda can do it for me." That trip will forever be special to me.
Getting here took a lot of work and tears and faith, but it feels so good to be here. Ya know what the funny part is? I bought the crib a week ago and I've been sick all week. More sick that I've been in a really long time. So sick, in fact, that I haven't had the energy or strength to actually put the crib together.
So the crib, along with the changing table, are still in the boxes laying on the floor. And it is killing me. It took me 9 months to be ready and now I'm sick? I'm just counting down the days until I can put them together and finally see them in place.
Sometimes, I stand in the doorway and look at the lights from the disco ball and imagine what this room will look like when it's finished. I stand in the doorway looking at those boxes and the promise they represent – and it makes my heart so full.