Sunday, October 30, 2016

The Crib

This little room is full to the brim with of leaps of faith. Every leap is part of claiming and living what God has called me to. Most of those leaps were very hard for me. I've been mentioning for months how I wasn't quite ready to buy the crib. I think that's something that is hard to truly understand unless you are in the midst of adoption or have gone through it yourself.

Buying a crib is not about need or necessity. It's not about whether the baby needs it yet or not. It's not about being ready for the baby to come home. It's about me being ready. It's about taking a risky, emotional leap of faith because that is what God is asking of me.

Think about this way - when do most pregnant women prepare a nursery? It's usually ready just weeks before the baby is born. I'm taking that step now - months or years before I have a baby.

I could wait. I could wait until I'm matched or until things are certain. But I've learned that certainty doesn't exist in adoption. I've yet to find certainty anywhere in this process. But there is one thing I'm certain of - God has called me to this.

So yes, I could wait. But why wait when I can run toward this promise? I am running toward this beautiful gift that God has promised me. And I will keep running and leaping until my baby is in my arms.

The week that I joined the matching network was a very hard week for me in more ways that I can explain. I was filled with fear and doubt. I was questioning things I hadn't questioned in months. But God gave me an incredible gift that week.

That was the week that I was finally ready to buy the crib. It might not seem like a big deal, but for me it was this incredible milestone of faith. In the midst of feeling more than overwhelmed, I felt God's peace and certainty. I was finally ready.

So Charlotte, Cameron, Hannah and I took a trip to Ikea. The kids each picked out something special for the baby. Cam picked out those little cars because he had the same ones when he was a baby. Hannah picked out something soft for the baby to sleep with. She said "If I'm not there to cuddle the baby, the panda can do it for me." That trip will forever be special to me.

Getting here took a lot of work and tears and faith, but it feels so good to be here. Ya know what the funny part is? I bought the crib a week ago and I've been sick all week. More sick that I've been in a really long time. So sick, in fact, that I haven't had the energy or strength to actually put the crib together.

So the crib, along with the changing table, are still in the boxes laying on the floor. And it is killing me. It took me 9 months to be ready and now I'm sick? I'm just counting down the days until I can put them together and finally see them in place.

Sometimes, I stand in the doorway and look at the lights from the disco ball and imagine what this room will look like when it's finished. I stand in the doorway looking at those boxes and the promise they represent – and it makes my heart so full.

Sunday, October 2, 2016

Feeling Delayed

The next step in this adoption process is joining the agency's matching network. This is when I'll officially be "waiting." This time of joining the network is what I've been working toward for months.

My profile books are ready and printed. The quality is wonderful. Phew! They arrived just few days before my family left for a trip to the beach. The books are the last thing I needed before joining. I knew I wouldn't be able to join the network while I was at the beach. And I knew trying to join the day before we left wouldn't work either.

So basically, I knew going into this past week that this was going to be a time to rest and refresh. I can't move forward yet, so I needed to just enjoy the slow time. And I did that - I read a book, did a lot of pinteresting and blog reading, spent a lot of time with the kiddos and my family. I did it. I relaxed. But at the same time - relaxing felt like work.

I don't know if I've ever felt more conflicted. I'm so anxious to be in the network and see situations, but at the same time I'm not at all feeling ready to start this process. But I want to badly so be matched and I feel like I've wasted the last 2 weeks. But really, what's 2 weeks in the grand scheme of things? But two weeks feels like forever when it's taken months to get here. But this is all in God's timing. But waiting is going to be so hard and the sooner I'm in the sooner I can get matched. But it could takes months or years, what does a few weeks matter? But these past 2 weeks have left me feeling stuck. But I am also nervous about moving forward. But I'm so ready...

And that's just the tip of the iceberg, folks.

The roller coaster of emotions that have happened during this adoption process is nothing that I could ever have prepared for. And trust me, I tried. I read everything I could get my hands on. I've tried to prepare for every single scenario.

A few weeks ago, I was so blessed to connect with a single adoptive mom who's son is about a year and a half old. She gave me her email and then after a few emails asked if I'd like to talk on the phone. Oh my gosh. Are you kidding me? Of course I want to talk on the phone! I have a bajillion questions.

It was one of those phone conversations that begins with "I don't even know where to start" because there are so many questions. She was amazing and patient and answered all of my questions - even the one's I felt stupid asking. I was so incredibly encouraged by her honesty and openness.

The best piece of advice she gave me? Stop trying to prepare for everything.

Ok, to you that might sound obvious. To me - it was eye opening. She told me to wait until I know my match situation and then prepare for that. Honestly, my mind was blown. I know, I know - it seems totally obvious, but it's really not. Its not obvious when everything is out of my control. Since I was feeling powerless, I tried to control what I thought I could - knowledge. Being prepared for anything and everything became my mission.

But I'm walking away from that. I'm working hard to stop freaking out and to just wait. I'm working to let God have this time and to not steal it away from him by spending my hours worrying.

So even though I'm feeling like things have been delayed and slowed down and that's hard - this beach vacation was everything I needed. I loved reading a good book on the beach. I loved cuddling with Cam and Hannah during movie time and not even looking at my phone (partly because Hannah accidentally kicked it onto the floor). I loved having slow days and slow nights with my family.

After a week of relaxing, I feel ready to take on the next step.... waiting to be matched.