I am the Lord your peace / No evil will conquer you / Steady now your heart and mind / Come into my rest / And oh, let your faith arise / Lift up your weary head / I am with you / Wherever you go
– Come To Me, Bethel Music
It's only been a week since completing my home study, but boy it's been a weird one. I've taken a lot of time this week to just relax and enjoy this amazing weather. But in those quiet moments, doubt creeps in.
The home study was such a big and overwhelming process that it consumed my thoughts. I had no time to think/worry about anything else. I've worked hard to take this adoption one step at a time so that I don't allow myself to get overwhelmed by it all. I've waited for months to be in this I'm-almost-there place and now that I'm here, I don't love it. It's so easy to allow myself to doubt when I'm not busy and distracted.
I've felt shaky and unsteady in so many ways this past week. Will my profile really show who I am? Is someone really going to pick me? What if I have no lead time and I'm not ready? Should I buy a crib now? Can I handle seeing an empty crib every day with no promise of a baby yet? What if it takes years to get matched? What will I do in the waiting time? How am I going to afford this? Why has this, of all years, been so hard for me financially? How am I going to raise $11,000? Can I manage being a working mom? What if I'm not focused at work and then my performance tanks and I lose my job and I can't pay the bills? I'm still scared of bees - am I even ready to be a mother?
Doubt is just so fun. *dramatically rolls eyes
(Btw - big props to all the mamas out there. I thought I understood motherhood. But now I know that I had zero understanding of the pressure you face and I am humbled by your ability to do it all.)
In the midst of all this doubt, I keep thinking about Peter. About when he saw Jesus walking on water –
“Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.” “Come,” he said.
I prayed for God to take me to a place where I could only move forward with His strength and power. Ok. Check. This is definitely that place.
Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”
This is so me right now. This is where I am. I got out of the boat, I'm on the water and now I'm panicking. I'm having moments of doubt and fear that feel overwhelming and impossible. I'm waiting for Him to save me. So I pray - a lot. And I read my Bible - a lot. And I listen to worship music - a lot. I'm crying out.
Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. he said,
God did not bring me all this way to forget me. He is not going to let me sink. He is with me now and He is with me in those moments of doubt. He will reach out. He will provide. He will bring peace.
Therefore, my beloved brothers, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain. – 1 Cor. 15:58
So I pray for the Lord to stop my knees from shaking. To lift my head and bring my focus in. To keep me from wavering to the right or left. To give me the faith to walk on the water with Him. And I pray for trust, patience and hope. And I pray and I pray and I pray.
God has made this path clear and I will continue to move forward through the doubt and the fear. And I'll buy alllllll the cute onesies and shoes I can find. And I'll put the disco ball in the nursery. And I'll plan fundraisers, ask for help and seek guidance. And maybe I'll finally conquer my fear of bees. Because there is a baby that is waiting for me to get it together and I will not let them down.