Sunday, September 18, 2016

The First Onesie

This onesie is so very special to me. I bought this simple onesie in celebration after I chose my agency at the end of April. It took months of research (not exaggerating), visits and informational meetings to finally make my choice. I stressed over it. I prayed over it. And then I did more research.

The day I made my choice was the day I attended an informational meeting about domestic adoption. There were several woman running the meeting. Each woman had a different job within the agency and their passion for this process was clear. As they spoke I could tell how much they loved and protected the birth moms, but also how they would advocate for me, the adoptive parent. It was plain to see that they were kind and caring and would do what was best for everyone involved.

One woman even came looking for me after the meeting. She remembered speaking to me on the phone and knew I would be at the meeting. She remembered so much about the conversation we had weeks earlier. I was already sold on the agency after hearing all of the information at the meeting, but that small gesture of being remembered solidified my choice.

In a process this complicated, (along with finances and logistics and everything else to consider) comfort is hugely important. There are many agencies that I could have chosen, but this is where I'm comfortable and I didn't make this choice lightly. I know God brought me to this agency.

Finally making the choice that I had been stressing over for months felt like sweet relief and I wanted to celebrate! So like anybody else - I went to Target.

I strolled the baby aisles looking for something neutral and simple. When I picked this little striped onesie, I held it in my hands before putting it in the cart. I'm not one to be overly sentimental, but as I stood there holding this soft onesie I pictured my baby. I pictured meeting them for the first time and holding them in my arms. And for the first time, it all felt so real that I almost started crying right there in Target.

In a process full of unknowns, purchasing a small onesie was a huge emotional risk for me. Logic starts to tell you that this may never happen and you may have to pack this away unused. Logic says don't get your hopes too high because you might never be picked. Logic says to hold back and be safe. Pardon my french, but screw logic.

This baby is real. This love is real. I'm all in.

And I'm going to keep taking steps to claim this baby and this adoption. Like packing the hospital bag and buying some bottles. There are still some steps that I'm building up to - that feel bigger and harder than the rest. I'm learning to take this one step at a time and know what I'm ready for. But I'm circling the walls of Jericho. I'm moving forward without knowing all of the ways God will provide. I'm leaping.

And someday, I'm going to bring my baby home in this striped onesie that I bought before I even knew them. And I'm going to keep it forever... unless they puke all over it.

Saturday, September 3, 2016

Steady Now...

I am the Lord your peace / No evil will conquer you / Steady now your heart and mind / Come into my rest / And oh, let your faith arise / Lift up your weary head / I am with you / Wherever you go
– Come To Me, Bethel Music

It's only been a week since completing my home study, but boy it's been a weird one. I've taken a lot of time this week to just relax and enjoy this amazing weather. But in those quiet moments, doubt creeps in.

The home study was such a big and overwhelming process that it consumed my thoughts. I had no time to think/worry about anything else. I've worked hard to take this adoption one step at a time so that I don't allow myself to get overwhelmed by it all. I've waited for months to be in this I'm-almost-there place and now that I'm here, I don't love it. It's so easy to allow myself to doubt when I'm not busy and distracted.

I've felt shaky and unsteady in so many ways this past week. Will my profile really show who I am? Is someone really going to pick me? What if I have no lead time and I'm not ready? Should I buy a crib now? Can I handle seeing an empty crib every day with no promise of a baby yet? What if it takes years to get matched? What will I do in the waiting time? How am I going to afford this? Why has this, of all years, been so hard for me financially? How am I going to raise $11,000? Can I manage being a working mom? What if I'm not focused at work and then my performance tanks and I lose my job and I can't pay the bills? I'm still scared of bees - am I even ready to be a mother? 

Doubt is just so fun. *dramatically rolls eyes

(Btw - big props to all the mamas out there. I thought I understood motherhood. But now I know that I had zero understanding of the pressure you face and I am humbled by your ability to do it all.)

In the midst of all this doubt, I keep thinking about Peter. About when he saw Jesus walking on water – 
“Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.” “Come,” he said.
I prayed for God to take me to a place where I could only move forward with His strength and power. Ok. Check. This is definitely that place.
Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”
This is so me right now. This is where I am. I got out of the boat, I'm on the water and now I'm panicking. I'm having moments of doubt and fear that feel overwhelming and impossible. I'm waiting for Him to save me. So I pray - a lot. And I read my Bible - a lot. And I listen to worship music - a lot. I'm crying out.
Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?” – Matthew 14: 28-31
God did not bring me all this way to forget me. He is not going to let me sink. He is with me now and He is with me in those moments of doubt. He will reach out. He will provide. He will bring peace.
Therefore, my beloved brothers, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain. – 1 Cor. 15:58
So I pray for the Lord to stop my knees from shaking. To lift my head and bring my focus in. To keep me from wavering to the right or left. To give me the faith to walk on the water with Him. And I pray for trust, patience and hope. And I pray and I pray and I pray. 

God has made this path clear and I will continue to move forward through the doubt and the fear. And I'll buy alllllll the cute onesies and shoes I can find. And I'll put the disco ball in the nursery. And I'll plan fundraisers, ask for help and seek guidance. And maybe I'll finally conquer my fear of bees. Because there is a baby that is waiting for me to get it together and I will not let them down.

Steady now...