To be honest, I’m not quite sure where to begin. So much has been happening over the past 8 months. I will attempt to make this as short and sweet as possible – but I’m not making any promises. This has been the most incredible 8 months of my life and I’m really excited to tell you about it.
I’ve known for a long time that I would adopt, but I never thought I would do it alone.
Adoption came into the picture when I was 23. In December 2008, I walked out of my interview at Lincoln Charter School, sat in my car and knew 2 things to be certain – If they offered me the job I would take it and someday I would adopt. I just knew it. There was a peace in my heart that’s unexplainable. I feel that same peace today.
Fast forward to January 2016 – we were singing Oceans, by Hillsong in church a lot. It felt like we were singing it every week. It started as a song, but soon became a heartfelt prayer –
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders / let me walk upon the waters wherever you would call me / take me deeper than my feet could ever wander / and my faith would be made stronger in the presence of my Savior
I began asking myself How am I living for Christ? What is my leap of faith? I prayed for God to take me out of my comfort zone. To lead me to a place where I can only move forward under His power. A place where I have to live every day relying on His strength and not my own.
At the same time, I was longing and praying to be a mother. More than anything I wanted to feel the love a mother has – to love a child as only a mother can. I wanted to get as close as I could to feeling and understanding the unconditional love Christ has for us.
February 6th, at the end of IF:Gathering at church, they gave us each a domino. We were asked to write on it something we were ready to give to God. I remember thinking, why a domino? I don’t know if you’ve ever been 30 and single when all of your friends are married and having babies, but it’s not super fun. And I’d been holding onto that disappointment for a long time. But I was ready to give it up, so on my little domino I wrote my singleness and my future. Then I turned to Mel and asked Is singleness a word?
I put that little domino by the mirror in the bathroom and prayed over and over for the continued willingness to give up control of my life. I prayed for the patience and trust to let God run my life instead of trying to run it myself.
Then, like dominos falling, God set off a chain reaction and life started to get very interesting very quickly. Now I see why they gave us a domino. Did they do that on purpose?
February 17, Mel sent me a link to a blog post. A single woman named, Sara, had written about her experience as a foster mom. Mel knew I had been thinking about adoption and she encouraged me to contact Sara – so I did. We began emailing back and forth and Sara gave me amazing advice that would officially begin my adoption journey – All you need is enough courage to say yes. Just go. His peace will follow your obedience.
I had asked God to take me out of my comfort zone. I had asked God to make me a mother. Whether I was married or not, whether I was ready or not, God made one thing clear – get moving.
So I said YES.
After many months of counseling, prayer, family support and research I chose Domestic Infant Adoption, picked an agency and began the legal process to become an adoptive mom.
On May 16, at an educational meeting at my agency, my caseworker gave me the first official paper to sign. This paper was the beginning of my home study. I was SO excited. This is it! I’m really doing this! …And then I forgot how to sign my own name. After months of talking and planning and praying – it was really starting. Like really starting. And I couldn’t remember my own signature. My counselor called that a stress response. Yup, that about sums it up.
The end of May arrived and so did the paperwork. Lots and lots and lots of paperwork and document gathering and doctor appointments and meetings and planning and stressing. Night after night of writing and re-writing my responses to the questions in the home study application. Not to mention all the work my family, friends and I have been putting into this house… and we aren’t even done yet.
The last step in this home study process is happening on August 26 – the home visit. I’ve never been more nervous to have house guests.
In case you noticed something different and are wondering – Yes, this is why I’ve been more forgetful, more stressed, less involved, quieter. Life has been very busy.
But friends, life has never been more exciting.
Don’t mistake excitement for ease, though. This has been hard. I’ve had to face a lot of fears and insecurities and there is still so much unknown. There are so many questions I can’t answer and all I can do is wait to see how God shows up in each circumstance – because I know He will show up.
Here are the details – the type of adoption I am pursuing is called Domestic Infant Adoption. That means I will be matched with a birth mom during pregnancy. I do not care about race or gender. I do not know when I will be matched. I can be matched with anyone in the United States, though I am praying for a local adoption. I would like to have an open adoption and hope to develop a loving relationship with the birth mom.
So there you have it – my adoption journey in a nutshell. Believe it or not, that is the short version. Eight hard and exciting months boiled down to 1,050 words.
This process has been so much work and so much stress, not to mention all the unknowns in my future – but it’s nothing when I think about my baby. It never ceases to amaze me how real this child is to me. I don’t even know if he or she exists yet but this love is so strong, present, hopeful. I don’t know my baby yet, but my Lord knows them by name and I will wait on His perfect timing.
My family of two will soon become a family of three… but don’t tell Charlie.
“And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.” Colossian 3:17
If you’d like to stay up to date on my journey, check back here! I’ll be posting more to keep you updated on the process. You can also follow along on my Instagram account @ginnersaint. This journey is only just beginning and I’m so excited to share it with you!